If you find that your relationships tend to follow a similar path, even if you have deliberately tried to make changes, the answer could lie in how your past experiences have shaped your emotions. This could lead you to keep choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable, controlling or that you just don’t connect with at a deeper level.
Here’s a look at why this happens, and how to break free from the cycle. Our private therapy in Sheffield can help you to explore your patterns of thought at your own pace in a safe space.
The draw of the familiar
One of the main reasons that we repeat patterns is that our brains are wired for familiarity, even if this isn’t what is emotionally healthy. For example, if you grew up in an environment where love was distant, inconsistent, or needed to be earned, then you might unconsciously seek out similar dynamics in adult relationships.
This is a subconscious pattern of behaviour when we are drawn to the familiar in the hope of getting a different result. In psychology, this is referred to as repetition compulsion, and it’s a misguided attempt to understand or heal from a traumatic situation. The familiarity might initially be comforting because it’s what we know, but it creates a destructive cycle.
The influence of attachment styles
Our early experiences with caregivers shape our attachment style: the way we connect to others in close relationships. These patterns often continue into adulthood unless we become conscious of them. Anxious attachment types may become preoccupied with closeness, fearing abandonment and over-functioning in relationships.
Avoidant attachment types may fear intimacy and withdraw when things get too emotionally intense. Securely attached individuals tend to be more balanced in giving and receiving love.
How to break the cycle
The first step is to think about the common themes in your relationships, even if on the surface they seem to be quite different. For example, do you feel constantly anxious that your partner will leave you, or are you always craving more attention and affection than they give you?
When you have developed an awareness of your destructive patterns, work on establishing boundaries to protect yourself from falling in similar relationships. This may require some work on your communication skills, because you are programmed to accept issues rather than challenge them.
Make time for self-care too, and get comfortable with your own identity and sense of wholeness. This will help you to feel less in need of validation from others. When you do feel ready to start dating again, be prepared to step out of your comfort zone and connect with someone who isn’t your usual type.
It takes time to build up this level of self-awareness and change ingrained patterns of thought and behaviour. However, your effort will be rewarded with more fulfilling, happy and secure relationships in the future.